So I want to tell you a fictional story that has quite a few facts. Before I do that I would like to share how I came up with this story. A few months back and aunt of mine shared a Facebook post regarding her daughter and how she was somewhat disrespectful in expecting to live with them. Vaguely she shared her thoughts so unless you actually knew a few things you probably wouldn't know what she was talking about. I did. So did other relatives and close friends. In the comments my other Aunt S. chimed in with a story about a guy she knew from work. She claimed this guy once asked his father if he could stay temporarily with him. Kind of a building a house situation. His father said no, I've taught you to take charge of your own life, your on your own. The son felt no anger or animosity toward his Father and took that lesson to heart. In the end he told my Aunt S. that it was the greatest lesson he learned.
That kind of struck a nerve with me. I'll explain why through my fictional story later.
Before I write this next part let me say I was actually on my Aunt M's side. My cousin had lived with her before and continually relying on your parents for support is not right. You should learn to fix your situation yourself, but I had to do it, I replied to my Aunt S. comment. I simply asked, “if the situation was reversed and the dad came to the son and asked him for some temporary assistance, the son said no dad your on your own, is it still a great lesson?”
I asked that because guess what, I have asked my parents to live with them temporarily between houses, they said no your on your own, and no I didn't take it as a great lesson, I think the lesson has yet to be learned.
On to my fictional yet somewhat factional story.
Ben grew up in a loving family. His dad was a hard worker and his mom stayed home to take care of him and his siblings. He had a great childhood, graduated and moved off to college. His father knowing the value of hardwork had a meeting with Ben before leaving to college. He let Ben know that nothing is free in this life. Through hard work and learning he knew his son could be successful. Before the meeting was over his father let him know one last thing. He said this famous words, Ben when you leave, you're on your own. We will not be helping you financially, if you decide to live with us in between semesters, we will expect you to get employment and pay your share of the expenses.
While at College Ben Met a girl who he wanted to marry. During Christmas Break he wanted his family to meet his future bride. Ben soon found out he barely had enough money just to get home. He still wanted to go. So he made a plan. He would seek employment with old employers while at his parents until he could get enough money to get back. Unfortunately as life happens Ben's car had problems on the way there. By the end he was limping into the driveway. Work would have to wait, Ben had to fix his car before finding a job
During the next week Ben worked on his car. The last day before he was planning to leave he finally found the problem and fixed his car. His plans for finding employment to pay for the way back was gone. So Ben made another plan. He would ask his parents for a hundred dollar loan so he could get back to school and ask for extra days at his job so he could pay his parents back. Ben was actually really good at budgeting and being responsible, unfortunately he did hit harder times and was in the process of digging himself out. His mom at first said she would loan him the hundred dollars. After dinner that night she asked Ben to come into the kitchen, “your father and I need to talk to you”
On the table was a handwritten contract with 3 blank lines waiting for signature's. Ben's father explained he wasn't happy that Ben was asking for help. He decided that it would be best to have a contract for the loan. In the contract it stated that Ben would need to pay the loan back in monthly payments at a 5% interest. His dad again explained to him he was on his own and that they shouldn't be helping him.
A financial miracle happened the next night. After a 12 hour drive, Ben and his Fiance decided to check mail before departing to their own places. In the mailbox was an insurance settlement check from a fender bender Ben was in a few months prior. It was enough to pay off all of his debts with some to spare. The next day Ben wasted no time writing out a check and paying off the loan. He vowed never again to ask for help from his parents they have made it clear, Ben was on his own.
A year later Ben was Married, A year after that they welcomed their first daughter. They decided to move out of Arizona for a fresh start. 2 years later they welcomed another daughter bought their first house and eventually included 2 more daughters before calling their family whole. During this timeline Ben found out his parents let his older sister and husband live with them during their move and even loaned thousands of dollars to a younger brother so he could go to school. Their house seemed small and again after 6 years Ben and his wife were ready for a change. They listed their house and sold it very quickly. Within a couple of weeks Ben found himself near homelessness. He needed to find something quick. Thinking his parents had changed due to the younger brother having a loan and the older sister being able to stay with them during her move he asked his mom if he could temporarily move in while they finished their house hunting. Ben also thought he had proven himself financially and had enough money to help with any financial burdens he and his family would have been.
His mom didn't quite welcome the idea but decided that it would be ok if Ben and his family temporarily stayed with them. They made preparations and a week before being forced out of their house Ben received a text message from his mom. She had changed her mind and felt it was in the best interest if Ben would find a place to stay elsewhere. At the end of a descriptive and well thought out text she again reiterated the same phrase,
Your on your own.
Being that this part of the story is true and yes Ben is my fictional character, I can't tell you how devastating that text was. I finally figured it out, my parents did not want to help me. They finally had made it clear I was on my own. I was devastated than angry. I started out a text asking questions about my brother about my sister and other things I did not agree or find fair. I reviewed the message and was ready to send it but
I couldn't do it.
I don't know why but I pushed through the tears and decided to be a better person.
Instead I asked for prayers and we immediately started looking for temporary housing. We later found an apartment and lived there for less than two months until we moved into our new home.
Let's finish the story.
After moving into his new home Ben and his wife continually did well in their financial aspects. They never asked for help again. At least not from his parents. Years past and Ben and his wife were consistent in meeting their financial goals. They eventually invested in real estate and had a few properties when something unexpected and unfortunate happened. Ben's Parents home caught fire and burned to and unrepairable state. Bens parents were safe and Ben along with his wife and other siblings went over to make sure their imediate needs were met. Ben's dad still somewhat grasping the situation asked Ben if he could stay with him. Ben paused for a second than started to respond.
“Dad”, he said “you have taught me many things throughout my life. One of those lesson that sticks out this moment is the phrase ‘your on your own’. When I asked for a loan of a hundreds dollars you were disappointed and put me on a contract. In the end you told me I was on my own. When MY FAMILY asked to temporarily move into your house you again with Mom let me know that I was on my own. I'm not trying to be rude but if your going to preach something shouldn't you also be learned in your teachings? Dad let me return the lesson you taught me that was life changing for me and not in a good way.
Your On Your Own….”
If you can't tell I'm actually fed up with some people who think this is some type of “great lesson”. Coming from an financial responsible hardworking individual, in my case many and many others it's not a good lesson at all. It's pure selfishness in a moment of dominance to act completely different then if you are in need. We should never be a "your on your own" society or family. I have seen people such as my in-laws act completely different when they had financial dominance. You should be HUMBLE HELPFUL AND GREAT FULL whether you have dominance or not. I have seen rich people go poor I've seen humble poor people be snotty rich people and then go right back to humble poor people. Life can change on a dime. If your dishing out lessons while your doing well that you can't in return take in a time of need, maybe you need to stop teaching them.
